just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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