I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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