Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
