I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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