pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
