i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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