im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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