The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
