I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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