Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
