I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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