when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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