Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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