He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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