if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
