Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
