Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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