this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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