I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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