Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
