Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
