Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
