Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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