i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
PANTIES FOUND
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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