8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
