2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
