First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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