Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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