My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
