he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
