Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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