Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
