how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
