Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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