She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize