How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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