i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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