Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
