There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Randomize
