There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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