took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
