Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize