I think my fart just growled at me.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
