How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
