i think my mom watched the whole time
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I did not marry a roomba.
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