so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
