): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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