Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
