he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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