You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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