I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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