Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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