Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
