im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
