I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
