I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
