The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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