this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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