So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize