im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
